7 Key Ways to Improve Your Relationship To Sex and Money
1. Communication is key. Talking about sex and money is hard. Not talking about sex and money is also hard. Oftentimes, we do not talk about sex and money until or unless it becomes an issue. In an effort to avoid feelings of vulnerability and discomfort at all costs, we find ourselves drowning in resentment, hurt, confusion, betrayal, worry, envy, frustration and more.
Proactivity and consistency. Even when sex and money are going well, ongoing conversation is essential, increasing clarity and reducing the build up, boiling point, and inevitable overflow of feelings. If you are having, you should be talking about sex with your partner. If you are not having sex, you should be talking about sex with your partner. If you are spending, saving, or investing money, you should be talking about money with your partner. Ask your partner…
“Do you like the frequency with which we talk about sex and money? Why or why not?”
“How do you think talking about sex and money more frequently could improve our relationship?”
“Why do you think we do not talk about sex and money more regularly?”
2. Communication is key. Can you think of two more taboo topics than sex and money?! Topics we should never discuss - not with our coworkers or our family or even our partners. So of course, we should not talk about sex and money during the initial dating phase, even though sex and money are leading causes for conflict in relationships as well as divorce (*said sarcastically). Ironically, although no one is talking about them…we are all thinking about them. They occupy a lot of mental space.
Early and ongoing. Start talking about sex and money while in the dating phase to ensure that your beliefs and values are aligned. If you wait to have these important conversations, you may find differences that cannot be reconciled. Additionally, you are laying the foundation for future conversations about sex and money - “We are a couple that talks about sex and money.” If you are already married, start talking about your beliefs and values around sex and money today - it is never too late. After all, this will not be a one time conversation, as our relationship to sex and money is constantly evolving due to ongoing experiences. To gain more insight into your date’s relationship with money, ask…
“What types of vacations do you most enjoy?”
“What types of gifts do you enjoy giving and receiving?”
“How would you like to split dinner tonight?”
3. Communication is key. Sex and money can be exciting! For some, this may seem obvious, while for others this may feel impossible. Conversations about sex and money do not have to be daunting. You do not always need to look at detailed, confusing spreadsheets (Actually, you never need to look at detailed, confusing spreadsheets. If you enjoy spreadsheets and your partner doesn’t, pro tip - keep it simple. They will be much more likely to stay engaged. Keep your detailed spreadsheets to yourself and nerd out on your own time). You do not need to argue, and you certainly do not need to feel inadequate and ashamed.
Mix up the conversation. Instead of another emotionally exhausting conversation about sex and money, celebrate together, learn together, explore together. This will begin to change your attitude towards conversations about sex and money. To mix up your conversations, try…
Listening to a podcast together (I recommend Death, Sex and Money and This Is Uncomfortable).
Reading a book together (I recommend The Psychology of Money and The Simple Path to Wealth).
Dreaming about your goals for the future (without talking about the numbers). Ultimately, money is a tool to help you achieve your goals, and what is more exciting than working towards and achieving your goals with your partner?!
4. Self awareness, also key. Sex and money reveal our deepest insecurities and fears. Being naked financially can feel just as scary as being naked physically, and both can bring up a myriad of emotions. Then, there are the feelings about the feelings - oh the complexity! Better understanding your feelings will help you to improve your relationship to sex and money as well as your communication about them.
It starts with you. You are the first person that will become aware of your insecurities and fears. Treat yourself the way you would treat a partner or friend confiding their insecurities - with kindness, curiosity, patience, and empathy. Be gentle with yourself, as you take steps towards identifying…
The source of your feelings.
Who you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with (a friend, partner, therapist, etc.).
A path towards healing your relationship to sex and money.
5. Self awareness, also key. As beliefs about sex and money are deeply embedded and begin forming at a young young age, we are often convinced that our beliefs are actually universal truths. Your beliefs about sex and money may be true to you, but no one’s beliefs about sex and money are wholly right or wrong. No one’s. That includes your beliefs. That includes your partner’s beliefs.
Take accountability. If there is conflict around sex or money in your relationship, you are a part of the problem too. It is never all your partner’s fault. Everyone has room for reflection and growth (especially you savers - saving can be over glorified and spending can be over stigmatized. There are plenty of savers with unhealthy relationships to money and plenty of spenders with very healthy relationships to money). Ask yourself…
“How am I contributing to the problem?”
“What changes am I willing and able to make in an effort to change our relationship to money?”
“What can I do to better understand my partner’s beliefs about money?”
6. Self awareness, also key. There are many thinking errors that occur around sex and money. In the case of sex, common thinking errors include ‘everyone is having more sex than I am’ and ‘everyone is having better sex than I am’. Common financial thinking errors include ‘my peers have more money than I do’ and ‘no one else is worried about money’. These thoughts are unfounded, as the majority of the time, we draw on our observations rather than facts to inform our assumptions about peoples’ sex and financial lives.
Avoid comparison as much as possible. Social media is the epitome of displaying what we want others to believe about us. Many Tesla drivers lie awake at night worried about affording the monthly payment.
Many frequent vacation goers are living paycheck to paycheck (According to Forbes, in 2023, 78% of Americans were living paycheck to paycheck - this includes many people making six figures! So next time you are at happy hour with coworkers, look around - if there are 5 of you, 4 of you are living paycheck to paycheck. Unless you are all fully honest, there is no knowing who is and who isn’t).
“What assumptions may other people have about me based on my job, car, home, vacation, social media presence, etc.? How accurate are these assumptions?”
“How does comparing myself to others hinder me?”
“How often and when do I most often compare myself to others? And why?”
7. Self awareness, again key. We have all received implicit and explicit messages about sex and money that have helped to shape our beliefs. Explicit messages, such as ‘we can’t afford that’ or ‘rich people are selfish’, can stick with someone throughout their life. Even an explicit message heard a single time can be profound, creating long lasting feelings of scarcity, entitlement, avoidance, etc. While unspoken and often trickier to recognize, implicit messages can ring louder than explicit messages - actions speak louder than words. Our observations inform our beliefs - for example, ‘my parents never say no to me when I ask for toys. We must have a lot of money.”
Look inward and outward. Recognizing the implicit and explicit messages that you received about money can help you to better understand what is driving your conscious and subconscious sexual and financial behaviors. Ask yourself and your partner…
“What implicit and explicit messages did I \ you receive as a child?”
“How have the implicit and explicit messages that I \ you received as a child influenced your beliefs and behaviors?”
“What experiences have I had that have reinforced or challenged my beliefs?”
